Tinseltown Terrorist

It's Britney Bitches!

2007-09-09T18:46:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears Will Open The VMA's Tonight.
Lord Help Me For Saying This:
"I Don't totally Want Her To Fail."

P.S. The above picture is a drawing entitled "Beautiful Britney-A Pencil Sketch".
It was drawn by Carl Morales. A self described "Britney Fanatic"....
That means fag.

My Best Friends

2007-06-11T18:51:00.000-04:00

You Know These Two Bitches Are From New Orleans.
I Feel Like This Is What Everyone From There Looks Like Now.

Hey...

2007-06-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

Go Fuck Yourselves.

Paris Back In The Pokey

2007-06-08T15:40:00.001-04:00

This Is How I Feel...

Cut And Paste The Link Below You Lazy Bitches.

http://gawker.com/news/america-reacts/paris-hiltons-return-to-prison-traumatic-for-some-267330.php

Look At Me! I'm Katherine Heigl...

2007-05-30T19:10:00.001-04:00

My Cunt Smells Like An Irish Moor After An Autumn Rain.

Sometimes A Girl Is So Pretty They Deserve A Disfiguring Accident.
She's One Of Them.

Other Girls Who Deserve To Be Disfigured...

2007-05-30T19:09:00.000-04:00

Kristen Bell

You Smile Too Much. Bitch.

Hayden Panettiere

Because You Always Try To Eye Fuck The Camera.

Salma Hayek

Just To See If She Would Bounce Back Up If She Jumped Off A Roof.

Sophia Loren

Get. Over. Yourself.

Drawing Back The "Curtains"

2007-05-30T19:08:00.000-04:00

Veteran television actor David Hyde Pierce now starring in Broadway's "Curtains" came out of the closet.

Look. There is LITERALLY a cock on his costume.
Somewhere out there a costume designer is hysterically laughing.

Worthless Giver

2007-05-13T19:20:00.000-04:00

Angelina Jolie recently gave $500,000 to help the relief effort in Darfur.

Stupid sanctimonious bitch.
I want to cut off her hands so she can't "give" anymore.

FAT FUCKING LOSER

2007-03-28T19:00:00.000-04:00

My favorite "scumlebrity" has been a really big dick to the waitstaff at several hard to get into eateries.

Yesterday Jeremy...

"Was asked never to return to Matsuhisa in Aspen by a manager," alleges a snitch. "He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided. On his way out, he made a nasty comment to the manager: 'Thanks for nothing.'" Allegedly his tip also left something to be desired. "He left a DVD of the first year of 'Entourage' to one of the waiters. [An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving."

Now Today We Have This...

The "Entourage" star had a similar showdown with a hostess at the restaurant off Vine in Hollywood. Piven, who did not have a reservation, was reportedly unhappy a table could not be found because the restaurant was booked solid on Valentine's Day. "Believe it or not, he used the 'Don't you know who I am?' line," laughs the source. "He proceeded to berate [the hostess] about her treatment of him." Piven allegedly left in a huff, "but not before slamming her about her working in a restaurant."

What. A. Stupid. Loser.

All I Have To Say About This Is:

I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO.

Overrated Hollywood "Legends"

2007-03-23T15:34:00.000-04:00

SUSAN SARANDON

Your tits are disgusting.
You are an overactor.
All people want you to do is go in your garage, close the door, attatch a hose to your tailpipe and suck.

TIM ROBBINS

With your "partner" Susan you are half of Hollywood's most annoying couple.
You confuse being a stoner and flashing peace signs with being a political activist. Shut Up.
I hope George W. Bush has you assassinated in front of your bastard children.
Loser.

ROBIN WRIGHT PENN

Your "shyness" doesn't fool anyone. You are just scared because you can't act.
I bet your husband beats you in places no one can see and you beg him for it cause you think his talent will "wear off on you".
The only good role you have ever had was Princess Buttercup. Now make like her and roll down a hill and die.

LAUREN BACALL

You are just a stupid bitch. I can see it in your half dead eyes.

Is She Baked?

2007-03-23T14:50:00.000-04:00

Jennifer Hudson has been fighting rumors that she is a Diva with a capital D since her Oscar win. Yesterday Jennifer was suppoused to perform for the Starbucks shareholders meeting in Seattle. As many know the addictive coffee chain is responsible for propelling new and old artists such as Corinne Bailey Rae and Stevie Wonder to the top of the charts just by selling their albums in their stores.

Before Jennifer performed though, she had a few demands. These included: Backstage Humidifiers, Five Towncars for her "beauty team", and finally BAKED CHICKEN WINGS...At 10:00 A.M....Starbucks told her to fuck off.

This bitch is so delusional. Doesn't she realize she can only sing "I am telling you" so often before people get sick of hearing it. I love that the fuckin heffer is requesting BAKED CHICKEN WINGS at 10 A.M. It just gives new meaning to the term Chicken Head.

What A Brat

2007-03-21T14:47:00.000-04:00

Jeffrey Sebelia, last season's reformed drug addict "Project Runway" winner is already washed up. He is quoted in this months "New York Magazine" saying:
"I'm totally broke. I'm almost afraid to admit what I'm doing, but it's costumes for a movie. It's a live-action movie for the Bratz. Those slutty dolls."

I hate you Jeffrey. I hope that the Bratz movie makes you turn back to drugs and I see you in an alley with needles sticking out of you. I will kick you.

Worthless Whore

2007-02-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

The cast of "Gray's Anatomy" is in an uproar again. This time it is over a potential spin off for Kate Walsh and the renegotiation of their contracts. Katherine Heigl has been whining to the press that her pay is too low. She says she doesn't feel that she "is valued as highly as Sandra Oh".

Lil' List Of Reasons You Aren't As Valuable As Sandra Oh

1. You Can't Play The Violin
2. You Can't Play The Piano
3. You Suck At Math
4. You Aren't A Licensed Acupuncturist
5. Angelina Jolie Never Wanted To Adopt You

Zip-A-Dead-Doo-Da

2007-02-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

The National Enquirer ran a "Photo Recreation" of a dead Anna Nicole Smith this week.

They are some seriously sick fucks at the National Enquirer.
I should work there.
I would have run a "photo recreation" of her dead ass getting gang banged.

P.S. Love the zipper body bag. Great touch. Real artists.

Open Letter To Jennifer Hudson

2007-02-27T15:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Jennifer,

You are all over the media since you won an Oscar.
Now you think you are the shit.
I'm here to tell you otherwise.

Here Are Some Facts:

1. You looked like shit.
2. You sang like shit.
3. Your acceptance speech was shit.
4. You aren't an actress.
5. You can see where they glued your wig on your wide-ass forehead.
6. In two years you will be rooting around in the trash for your career.

OSCARS

2007-02-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

You Were Putrid.

Lil' List Of Things I Like More Than This Years Oscar's

1. Genocide
2. Jennifer Hudson's Dress
3. Puppies Being Slaughtered
4. The Funky Stank Of Foreskin
5. Jennifer Hudson. And I hate that stupid bitch.

Will Ryan Seacrest Be A Counselor?

2007-02-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

American Idol Camp Begins Next Summer.

Where you send your children to be diddled with by homos.

Harry IS Hairy

2007-02-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

Daniel Radcliffe is currently starring in "EQUUS" in London's West End.

It looks like he's hiding Anne Frank in his foreskin.

Drew Is A Nudist. A Fat Nudist.

2007-02-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

Drew Fattymore loves to be naked according to the article accompanying her cover shoot for "Jane" magazine. In it she says:
"[I am a] sexual, free, fucking nudist little bird running around"

I would rather have a chip implanted in my head that played Julia Roberts annoying laugh on a continuous loop for the rest of my life then see that bitch run around naked.

Shears Gone Already Folks!

2007-02-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears has left the ritzy Promises rehab facility after just one day.
This makes it the second center in one week she has fled after just 24 hours.

Poor Britney. It's like The Beatles said: "All She Needs Is Love."
The kind of love that will gently drown her in a bathtub filled with bleach.

Get Lost Charlie

2007-02-20T12:16:00.000-05:00

The most whiny and annoying character on television.
Please Die.

Anatomy's Looking Disease Ridden

2007-02-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

Hey. Grey's Anatomy. You Fucking Suck.

When my remote control accidentally falls on ABC and your show is on it leaves a burn mark on my thumb where I press up and down.
I hope you die a swift and unexpected death like "The O.C."

Knocked Up

2007-02-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

Three months after separating from football star Tom Brady, Bridget Moynahan announced that she is three months pregnant with his baby.

Tom is dating supermodel Giselle Bundchen.
Bridget is currently clutching her stomach while she twirls around her mansion laughing and screaming:
"I have you for life now fucker! hahahahahahahahahahahahahah"

Dear Bridget,

2007-02-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

I don't care if you are pregnant. I have no doubt you're a crazy bitch. You look like the kind of girl that would jack a guy off and save his junk "Just In Case".

And the answer is yes. He left cause you're fat.

Britney Shears

2007-02-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Lay Off Guys...

What If She Just Has Cancer.

The New Deal

2007-02-16T18:37:00.000-05:00

I still love the five people that make up my readership.
I still love terrorizing Tinseltown.
I still hate celebrities and Los Angeles.
I. Still. Really. Hate.

Here is the deal: Reporting on every celebrity news story made me feel like my soul was being sucked out through my stomach...Hence my long absence. From now on I will only report things that I find disgusting, and think that you, my loyal and cultured fan base should truly despise. So. If Paris Hilton trips and some weed falls out of her purse and she shows her pussy you will not read about it here...Unless I laugh and feel she is worthy of my derision. You should only hate the best, and there are too many celebrities in the news that just don't deserve mentioning. With all the other blogs that concern the celebrity lifestyle it has become so "cool" to hate. I hate that.

HOWEVER...If you truly would like to know how Lil'T feels about something then you may request it and I will comment. Otherwise, unless these assholes do something worthy of hate other than existing there will be no Britney or Paris. They are stupid. And common. I cannot abide ordinary. Neither should you.

Lets Put This Behind Us,

Lil'T

This...

2007-02-13T23:53:00.000-05:00

Is How All Models Should Look

Love Your Necklace Drew

2007-02-13T17:37:00.000-05:00

Everyone. You have to see "Music & Lyrics". It is incredible!
Drew Fattymore is so affecting and beautiful that at one point I was crying AND masturbating just watching her.

Please. I heard people washed their eyes out with butane after seeing this movie.

Have Faith

2007-02-13T17:25:00.000-05:00

The Hollywood Hills home of Faith Hill and Tim McGraw was robbed this weekend.

The burglars got away with a huge amount of who cares, leaving the country music couple stunned and still boring as hell.

Reese I'd Like You Too...

2007-02-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

Get Your Teeth Cleaned.

Watch Where You're Going Anna!

2007-02-10T11:26:00.001-05:00

I'M GLAD SHE'S DEAD.

Miss Nevada Strips!

2006-12-21T17:27:00.000-05:00

Miss USA Nevada Katie Rees was stripped of her crown today after stunning photos of her exposing herself and kissing women were found.

I thought you were different. Whore.

Rosie Trumped For Now...

2006-12-21T10:26:00.001-05:00

My God, could Donald Trump be more hysterical?

Favorite Quote:
"I'd like to take some money out of her fatass pockets."

Classy. Pure Lil'T

Speaking Of The Donald

2006-12-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

Why is it that in every picture that is taken of Melania Trump does it look like someone has a mirror and is purposely shining a bright light in her eyes?

Open up your squinty eyes. Lemon faced bitch.

RYAN GOSLING

2006-12-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

THE BEST ACTOR OF HIS GENERATION.
Just Wait.

LEO DICAPRIO

2006-12-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

FUCKING OVERRATE
Soon People Will Realize.

Tara Has A Bad Taste In Her Mouth

2006-12-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

Yuck. Donald Trump's Sperm Is Stale.

Eminem Is White Trash

2006-12-20T16:45:00.000-05:00

Eminem just divorced his wife Kim for a second time.

Lil' List Of Things That Are More Suprising...

1. There Are Black People In Africa.
2. Jennifer Anistion Is Sad.
3. This Year Christmas Lands On The 25th.
4. Midgets Have Small Cocks And Vaginas.
5. Chocolate Milk Tastes Better Than Regular Milk.

Brendan Fetal Fraser

2006-12-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

Is Brendan Fraser The Product Of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

You Decide.

Spelling Check

2006-12-20T15:04:00.000-05:00

Tori Spelling is writing an autobiography.

I hope she was spanked with barbed wire.

Lara Flynn Moves On

2006-12-20T13:11:00.000-05:00

Best known as the on and off paramour of Jack Nicholson, Lara Flynn Boyle married real estate mogul Donald Ray Thomas last weekend in San Antonio Texas.

Here's hoping the anorexic whore registered for a career.

Lance And Reichen Are NOT Open

2006-12-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

Lance Bass and Reichen however the fuck you say his name are NOT over...Yet. Read this pathetic bullshit on Lance's MySpace page:

"Yes Reichen and I have gone through a few rough days.. but instead of dealing with it by ourselves we get the honor of everyone joining in on our pain! lol No worries… I have no doubt things will work out. We are very mature and deal with things the right way. Thank you for all your concerns! It does mean a lot when so many of you are begging us to stay together! Just please don’t believe most the hype you read… like us opening up the relationship?! What the hell does that mean anyway? I mean I think I know what that means… and if it is.. then the answer is def NO! Again thanks for all the concerns… peace and hair grease! LB"

Peace and hair grease? Lance you are so smart. Especially for someone with Down's Syndrome. I bet that's some sort of "lyric" from your "comeback" album.

P.S. Celebrities. When you post bullshit rants on MySpace it doesn't make you look "real". It just makes you look too cheap to get a publicist. And when you are about to hit 30 it's just creepy.

Brad's Man Pussy

2006-12-20T09:34:00.000-05:00

This is Brad Pitt.

Right before Angelina gave it to him up the ass with a strap on.

Keith Urban Is Out...Sorta

2006-12-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Keith Urban is temporarily out of rehab.
Tragically, Nicole is now seeking treatment for "Perpetual Bitch Face"

Oprah's New Man

2006-12-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

This is Oprah's new Landscape design extraordinaire Jamie Durie.

He has the gayest smile that has ever existed.

For The Grace Of God Go Away

2006-12-06T15:28:00.000-05:00

This is a newly brunette Maggie Grace.
You know her as the ugly blonde girl they killed off on "Lost".

The day they blew her head off I wept for joy.
The only thing that could have made it better would have been if that annoying golden retriever ate her dead body.

Erika Christensen Smells Something

2006-12-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

Erika. The look on your face is what Hollywood thinks of your acting.

NIce sack you're wearing. Fatty.

Completely "Scary"

2006-12-06T09:58:00.000-05:00

You look like a pregnant clown trying to smuggle a turkey into a foreign country...Or a tan Erika Christensen.

Star Wars

2006-12-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

Hi Cate? Listen. Just because you are "Hollywood Royalty" does not excuse this putrid dress.

You fucking look like C-3PO

Chalke It Up To Bad Toothpaste

2006-12-06T09:33:00.000-05:00

The former Becky from "Roseanne" and now star of "Scrubs" just got engaged this weekend.

Now all she has to do is start brushing her teeth. Yellow much?

Lance And Reichen Are...

2006-12-04T15:58:00.000-05:00

Splitting up.

Finally. Looks like Reichen learned how to use the internet and saw the two of them together in a picture.
Damn Lance Bass is fuckin heinous. He looks like a post accident Christopher Reeve with a bad dye job.

Tyra Banks Turns 33 Today

2006-12-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

And I have a 33 inch cock.

When this tranny shows her birth certificate I'll show my dick.
P.S. Doesn't she look like Brandy in this picture?

And Now 3

2006-12-04T15:17:00.000-05:00

Alright Dakota. This is better. Slowly but surely your camp must be telling you that those "aliens with flashing soul catching devices" are actually real people with cameras, and that cameras take pictures. Pictures people look at.

Whatever. You actually look positively chic compared to Pocahontas next to you. He looks like he was huffing Glade on an Indian Reservation before coming to the premiere.

Gwyneth Thinks She's Better Than Us

2006-12-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

Apparently ex pat Paltrow feels that English people are SOOO much more sophisticated than Americans. In a Portugal newspaper Saturday she had this to say:

"I love the English lifestyle, it's not as capitalistic as America. People don't talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner. I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."

Does Estee Lauder make a product called "Irrelevant Washed Up Movie Star?" Cause last time I saw you on any screen it was on my television in a commercial that looked like it was for a douching product.
It would be one of America's "Pleasures" if you shut the fuck up and never came back.

*What "Interesting things" do we think Gwyneth talks about at dinner?*

Lindsay Lohan Is...

2006-12-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

A secret cutter. Lindsay has been wearing wrist bandages and multiple watches on her left hand to disguise her self mutilation habit.

Hopefully next time she'll use a chainsaw and just let herself bleed out.

Lindsay Lohan Is "Recovering"

2006-12-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan is attending AA meetings according to her mother Dina and publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick.

This is such a lie to take attention off of her cutting herself. I am so sure of this that for every meeting she has attended I would slit a newborn African baby's throat. And I fucking HATE killing babies.

Jennifer Garner Is A Fucking Pig

2006-12-03T17:37:00.000-05:00

In a new Elle Magazine spread this month Jennifer Garner says:

"I am as physically unfit as I've probably been in my whole life. It's such a horror to stand in front of the mirror with no clothes on."

Jennifer is a size 8.

Exercise then bitch. And wipe that snooty expression off your face while you're at it...Washed up fatass.

Perez Hilton

2006-12-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

Is being sued for 7 million dollars for stealing photos from X17.

He should be sued for being so fat and derivative. He is what I imagine syphilis to look like.

S-A-T-E...Ouch!

2006-12-03T17:18:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards because "some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers."

Paris Hilton said satirical.
I would love to lock her in a dungeon, attatch electro shock clamps to her nipples, and give her a jolt every time she made a mistake attempting to spell that word.

This Is Movie Is So...

2006-11-30T23:11:00.000-05:00

Fucking Boring.

I'm "Babel". I star Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. This means I can cram all the half-baked, post 9/11, generalizations down the general publics throat that I want. Please give me an Oscar.

You won't? Why? Oh. Because I suck.

Dakota 2

2006-11-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

One More Time

Dakota

2006-11-28T18:12:00.000-05:00

Dakota. We get it. You're a child star.

You are also 12 and not 6 1/2. Stop milking the "young" thing. You've had your period, now start dressing like a young woman. The Olsen twins had their own line of slut gear by the time they were your age.

Look Who They Got Their Hanes On Now...

2006-11-25T12:26:00.000-05:00

Christina Applegate Turns 35 Today

Bad Eye Job Already?

Separated At Birth

2006-11-23T15:46:00.000-05:00

Katherine McPhee & Katie Holmes

Kramer Is A Fucking Bigot

2006-11-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

Michael Richards appologized for his racial tirade at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles where he called hecklers in the audience "niggers". He attributed his actions to "rage issues".

That is totally not what he meant to call them. What he meant to say was STUPID niggers. God. Get it right.

*UPDATE*
This is not the fist "rage incident" that Kramer has had. Last year he broke down on stage screaming "You fucking Jew. You people are the cause of Jesus dying."
Again. not correct. He meant to scream "You fucking Kike."
Because as we all know, that is much more Christian.

Posh Is...

2006-11-23T15:19:00.000-05:00

A Walking Corpse.

She looks like an alien that little kids in nursery school draw.

Nasty

2006-11-23T15:04:00.001-05:00

This is the ugliest wedding picture that has ever been taken. Love the Niagra Falls background.

Her dress is so rank. It looks like they rounded up a bunch of grandmothers and had them rub their decrepit pussies all over it.

K-Fed Is A Poet

2006-11-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

Kevin Federline is apparently writing love letters to win back his estranged wife Britney Spears. This bathroom wall sonnett was beautiful:

Today I'm A Free Man
Ladies Look Out
Fuck A Wife
Give Me My Kids Bitch!

Wow. That is like totally something I would write.

Houston We Have A Problem

2006-11-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

Whitney Houston is facing foreclosure on her New Jersey mansion for lack of paying over $1 million dollars worth of back taxes.

Not to worry though, Houston is currently staying in a tony McCrackDen subdivision.

Tom Hanks Isn't Fucking Dead

2006-11-16T13:21:00.000-05:00

Earlier today there were erroneous reports that Tom Hanks had died plummeting off a cliff in New Zealand filming his new movie.

I'm so fucking happy he isn't dead.
When he does die I hope it's MUCH more violent.

Blohan in GQ

2006-11-16T13:19:00.000-05:00

I'm Lindsay Lohan. I'm a normal whore just like every other American Apparel model.

Swizzle Stick Is Engaged!

2006-11-13T14:29:00.000-05:00

Ellen Pompeo is engaged. Wow. Isn't this a beautiful couple?

Lil' Advice Ellen: Get your tubes tied.
Thinking of what your children will look like with this man makes the nation want to commit suicide.

In Praise Of Underrated TV Actors

2006-11-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Most television actors are overrated. Are you hearing me the entire "My Name Is Earl" cast? Sometimes though, there comes those few actors who play supporting roles on popular television shows that slip through the cracks. Today a few of those who are left behind are recognized.

First up...

Amaury Nolasco - Fernando Sucre - Prison Break

Your character is ridiculous. Your storyline is assanine. You have five months left on your sentence in a maximum security prison and you become a fugitive to stop your pregnant girlfriends wedding? The last time I heard about a Puerto Rican father dying to get back to his pregnant girl was at this bar called "Never In Real Life".

What you do wonderfully is elevate your dialogue. You commit to the ridiculousness of your lines. This is what separates you from the rest of the cast. You don't seem to know that this isn't Tom Stoppard and we as your audience appreciate this. We don't like Wentworth "Dawn Of The Living Dead" Miller because he sounds bored. He looks bored. We can tell he thinks he is slumming. You on the other hand do not. You seem like you just broke out of a method class and not a soundstage in Burbank.

Next...

Noah Gray Cabey - Micah - Heroes

Noah is the least annoying child actor on television. He is the next Haley Joel Osment. I say this with a certain modicum of respect considering before Haley could cum he was nominated for an Oscar.

Finally...

Sarah Paulson - Harriet Hayes - Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

Usually I like to look at pretty people on TV. You are mousey, verging on homely, and yet still come off as being safely sexy. Like the television equivalent of fucking with a lambskin condom on.

Every character inexplicably speaks in monologues on "Studio 60". Unlike the rest of the cast though, you understand the Sorkin rhythm. You turn his preachy, immodest, Mamet milking monologues into "Must See TV" (was I Sorkinishy enough in this sentence?). Choices are made in your speeches. When you talk about the craft table needing more milk in your show within a fictional show for five minutes straight I actually believe there is something at stake. When you are on screen you make this patronizing "TV Insider" series seem exciting. This is quite a feat.

Plus you munch twat in real life. Love that.

Keep It Up Fuckers,

Lil' T

The People Choose...

2006-11-13T12:54:00.000-05:00

Absolute dumbfucks. The People's Choice Awards were announced with Jennifer Anniston and Halle Barry leading the pack of nominations.

Both are so unlucky in love they will be using the award as glass dildo's.

Posh Likes...

2006-11-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Not much apparently. Victoria Beckham gave her new best friend Katie Holmes some tips on how she keeps her frame so slender.

A source said:
"Victoria maintains her tiny frame because she only permits herself to snack - not eat - on edamame, pretzels, and occasionally sushi."

Posh also loves Diet Coke and says he hasn't drunk water in years because:
"she hates the taste."

I'm sure the baby's loved this "diet" while she was carrying them. Her womb probably looks like a lacerated, mangled, chew hole from them trying to eat their way out.

Jude and Sienna Are Splitsville

2006-11-13T11:58:00.000-05:00

"People" magazine reports that Jude Law and Sienna Miller broke up. A pal of the actor says:

"It's a mutual decision. They have definitely come to the end of the road. They tried to make it work but it failed. There isn't another person involved but it isn't helped by Jude's devotion to his kids."

This will go down in the annals of retarded celebrity split up statements. Jude's fatherly devotion? He was so devoted to his kids that he used to floss with their nanny's pussy hairs while they were asleep.

Borat "Boring"

2006-11-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

Sascha Baron Cohen's "Borat" topped the box office for a second time this weekend with 29 million dollars.

Fuck this movie. "Borat" is an overhyped piece of shit that deserves to be on HBO on demand with the rest of this worthless losers crap. If it's possible it is less funny than "That 70's Show".

Sienna: Grandmotherly?

2006-11-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

In the upcoming "Entertainment Weekly" Sienna Miller talks about her body of work and the paparazzi hounding her after Jude Law's nanny indiscretion. In the exclusive interview she says:

"I don't want security guards. If anything meant that I couldn't leave my house without 10 men chasing me, then there's no point. I could be equally happy reading and knitting in the country."

Please fade into obscurity Sienna. I wish she would use one of those knitting needles to abort herself.

Denise Hates Old People

2006-11-09T11:19:00.000-05:00

Denise Richards fought with a photographer on the Canadian film set for her new direct to DVD "movie" with Pam Anderson. She took the cameraman's laptop and threw it over a balcony, where the computer then landed on an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair...I'm not fucking kidding.

In other Denise and Pam news they are going to be starring in a new Broadway musical sponsored by Coppertone called:
"This Is What Happens When You Don't Wear Sunscreen"

Memo To Katherine McPhee

2006-11-09T10:46:00.000-05:00

Katherine:

Why are you famous?

You are annoying, you are somewhat fat, your smile is too big, and you sound like a C rate Christina Aquilera with all of your shitty vocal trills.

In five years you will be opening for Whitney Houston on her "Rehabilitation Tour: Take Two" singing "Somewhere Over The Fucking Rainbow" and over smiling.

Fuck yourself bitch.

Home Wrecker

2006-11-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

This putrid thing is what Ryan Phillipe supposedly cheated on Reese Witherspoon with. Her name is Abbie Cornish. She is Australian, 24, and often referred to in her homeland as the "Young" Nicole Kidman. Ouch for Nicole.

Okay Abs...Lil'Advice
1. Those wart/mole things all over your face are not helping your attractiveness.
2. Get away from Ryan Phillipe. He is like that tool that the dentist uses to suck up your spit when you get a cavity filled. Except that's what he does with talent.

KirSteel Huge

2006-11-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

I'm Kirstie Alley. I'm dancing on Oprah in a bikini.

Everything I touch turns to shit...Or becomes enormous.

Fishy Fishy Fishy

2006-11-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

Don't you do it bitch. Don't you cross me Britney. I see that ring. Your tits aren't that distracting.
If this turns out to be some sort of publicity stunt to gain sympathy for yourself it will backfire.

The public only has so much love for you...Don't overestimate it.
Unless you get a terminal disease a "People" magazine cover won't get you anything but derisiveness if you are fucking with us.

Spear-Lit Up

2006-11-07T16:30:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears filed for a divorce from Kevin Federline earlier today. Spears says that it was not one event that prompted the split but rather "a string of incidents."

More surprising than the breakup a puppy was recently spotted licking his balls.

Britney's "Chaotic" Day

2006-11-07T16:15:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears had her libel suit against "Us Weekly" dismissed today in court. The suit claimed she and Kevin Federline made a sex tape and were terrified one of their entourage would leak the video. She sued the magazine for libel because of it's claim that during the viewing of the tape with her lawyer she "acted goofy". The judge ruled that the suit was not defamatory saying:

"It is clear that plaintiff did not bring this lawsuit because she was falsely accused of acting goofy. The issue is whether it is defamatory to state that a husband and wife taped themselves engaging in consensual sex. (Spears) put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye."

She went on to cite sexually charged scenes from the reality show "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" as evidence.

Britney? Sexually modern? No way. She's strictly a missionary and anal gal.
I love that the judge's sexual "evidence" is her reality TV show. I saw that a few times. It was so sexy it made my penis shrivel up faster than wearing ice cube underwear.

Britney Is A Babe Again

2006-11-07T13:24:00.000-05:00

Sort Of. Last night on David Letterman Britney made a surprise visit to let America know she hasn't completely let herself go down the drain.

It didn't work. It's called exercise bulimia Brit. Try it.

Scarlett BloHanson.

2006-11-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'm "Curvy"

Actually wait. No. I'm just smooshed and fat.

Romeo Has A Fit

2006-11-06T16:18:00.000-05:00

David Beckham's young son Romeo has been diagnosed with epilepsy. The tiny tot has been having epileptic fits for the past two months, and mother Posh is worried that the popping of flashbulbs that seems to follow them everywhere they go will trigger a seizure.

When asked about his condition the little boy said:
"My name is Romeo, and Elton John is my godfather. I'm pretty much fucked all the way around."

Madonna Is...

2006-11-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Really Fucking Confused.

The Material Maggot continued her non stop "I have a right to adopt" tour all last week in NYC, with her son sporting a red Kabbalah bracelet. Kabbalah is the study of Jewish Mysticism. Madonna has called herself Esther for the last few years in honor of the religion and celebrates Jewish holidays. Lil' David however is being raised a Christian Jew.

Madonna had this to say...

"I believe in Jesus and I study Kabbalah, so I don't see why he can't too."

Ummm. Because they are completely different religions Madonna.
Myself I'm a Catheist. I believe in Jesus, but NOT Christ. Screw that dude. He is like, so fucked up. But Jesus, that's a whole different story. He is the man.

Hey Hollywood...

2006-11-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

Fuck Off And Die.

I am sick of you. Just because it is consistently warm in your city does not mean it is nice. Look at your putrid skyline.

You are culturally impotent. You make me want to throw up and gargle with my own bile.

If you were a woman...

You would wear Juicy Couture tracksuits that showed your puss gut day in and day out.
You would get your nails done in strip malls and constantly check your Sidekicks while they gave you pedicures.
You would use abortion as a form of birth control.

If You Were A Man...

You would loudly talk on your Blackberry "Pearl" about how hard it was to find parking.
You would constantly bitch about how you "never had time to golf".
You would use lots of gel in your hair and be obsessed with Lacoste.

Some bullshit happened today in Hollywood. Anna Nicole. Tom Cruise. If you want to read about it go to TMZ.com.
All of it is as interesting as a flaccid penis...Or Ryan Phillipe's acting.

You Decide

2006-11-01T19:15:00.000-05:00

I'm Past My Prime.

I'm The New Julia.

I Just Have To Work On My Smile.

Reese Witherspoon: Idiot

2006-11-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon had no prenuptial agreement when they entered into their marriage. Idiots. Now that Reese is the highest paid actress in Hollywood the stakes are enormous. Even among rampant reports of Ryan's unfaithfulness both parties have said they have no intention of having a messy public divorce. This is for their children's sake of course. Hmmm...That's what Heather and Paul McCartney said too.

I am calling right now that Reese will be on the cover of "UsWeekly", oops, I mean "Vanity Fair" in six months looking radiant. She will be wearing a couture gown, the title will be "All Hail To The Queen" with the byline saying "We're Still Best Friends"

Then she will die of cancer young and her memory preserved like Audrey Hepburn's.

Patrick Dempsey Banged His First Wife

2006-11-01T08:54:00.000-05:00

Literally. According to the always reliable "National Enquirer" Dempsey's first wife, the ironically named "Rocky" Parker says that Dempsey beat her on the set of his 1987 movie "Can't Buy Me Love."

She alleges that McDreamy McBeatTheShitOutOfHer, because he...

"wanted to see what it was like to beat a woman."

They married in 1987 when he was 21 and she was 47.

This one time I was watching "Nightline" and they ran a piece on SIDS. I "wanted to see what it was like" so I asphyxiated my baby sister.
It was sweet.

I Told You So

2006-11-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

Anna Nicole Smith is on the verge of being deported. As I predicted earlier in the week Lil' Daniel is not going to be in the ground long. She is planning on exhuming his body and taking him with her if she is forced to leave the Bahamas.

Let the Barnum and Bailey mourning circus continue.

Happy Halloween Fuckers

2006-10-31T16:06:00.000-05:00

In Honor Of Halloween I Present Celebrity Halloween Costumes...

Whitney Houston

A Phoenix

Because She Will Rise Again.

Janet Jackson

A Compact Disc

Almost As Done As Her Career

Jessica Simpson

She'll Need These To Soak Up What's Left Of Her 15 Minutes.

Reese Witherspoon

Successful

Reese just sealed a 29 million dollar deal, making her the highest paid actress in Hollywood history.

Ryan Phillipe

Freshly Dumped

Stone Cold Fox

2006-10-31T15:18:00.000-05:00

Sharon Stone and former NBA star/Vanessa Williams ex husband Rick Fox were seen getting it on at LA hotspot Hyde.

Do you think Sharon Stone would crumble into dust like a character out of "The Mummy" if you hugged her?

Madonna Is An Annoying Bitch.

2006-10-30T17:09:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Madonna. I love Kabbalah. I have a black baby and a religious agenda. Please everyone talk about me.

No More "Spoon-ing"

2006-10-30T14:14:00.000-05:00

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe have announced they have separated. They have been married for seven years and have two children together.

Reese's formal statement regarding the separation:

"I have an Oscar. I can't believe I've been married to this loser for seven years."

Ryan's:

"I have really really pretty hair."

Nicole Richie Is Narcoleptic

2006-10-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

Nicole Richie collapsed at Hyde nightclub early Sunday morning. The management was convinced not to call 911 and "friends carried her out the back door."

It took more than one "friend?" Gimme a break. She isn't Britney Spears.

The super svelte starlet was apparently on leave from the treatment facility that "she has NOT checked into for an eating disorder."

Lil' List Of Reasons Nicole Is Seeking Treatment:

1. She Has Anorexia.
2. She Has Anorexia.
3. She Has Anorexia.
4. She Has Anorexia.
5. She Has Bulimia. Every time she looks in a mirror she barfs.

No. 5 is what happens to me when I see her. I'm wasting away.

Desperate Dumbass

2006-10-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

Marcia Cross is the victim of her own stupidity. Earlier this week she threw away approximately 200 lurid photos of herself in various states of undress. One lucky garbage picker found these and is now very close to selling them.
The Desperate Housewife is vigorously trying to prevent them from being distributed. The problem is that legally once trash is put out by the curb it is no longer private property.

What is looming larger than the legal question is "can she still do kegel muscle exercises or is her vagina as frozen as her face?"